1. |
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I sat on the hot ground and for seven hours I sobbed
All that time you sat on the stairs laughing with the police
My mother is dead
You finally walk over, and only say sorry
Then you walk back to the stairs laughing with the police again
You never bothered to call to tell me my mother is dead
I found out
"Oh you didn't know, your mother is dead"
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2. |
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Three days have past since your death
I am exhausted and in pain
I can't sleep at night with the thought of you struggling
You were burned to ashes this morning
He never let me see your bluing body
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3. |
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I don't want to go home
I don't want to leave this bed
Death is all I can think about
It's my 23rd birthday and I long for a closure
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4. |
Hurt Will Always Stay
05:27
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The pain never goes away ; the hurt will always stay
I've numbed myself for eight years
In my darkest days, I'd pray to you
I tried to get better but when you died I fell apart
I left everything behind
Now I struggle to keep going
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5. |
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I can't find comfort sleeping in the house you died in
This place doesn't feel like home
Your voice carried through the house
Waking up in this abode is hell on earth
There is an unavoidable emptiness filling my soul
It has been a week and a day since you took your life
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6. |
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I am speechless. Words can not describe the pain currently in my heart. All of this is so confusing, and so hard on me personally.
My mother had a heart of pure gold. She had a love of helping others before herself. She not only was a daycare provider for 28 years, but she was also a drug and addiction counselor, and at one point was doing a youth group from her home for teenagers. She always wanted to help. No matter the circumstances.
My mom was very supportive of me, and my passion of music. She attended my first show in 2010, and also opened her basement to myself and my friends to have concerts in the basement where we would have anywhere from 5 people to 90 people. On occasion when we had touring acts from other states come through, she would open up our living room or guest bedroom for them to comfortably sleep. She truly thought it was so cool that people would travel to play in our basement.
About 7 years ago, I lost my father to health issues. I was 15 or 16 years old, in the 10th grade of highschool. My mother taught me how to be strong in this situation. She taught me to keep my head up, and to keep on trudging through the mud and all the hardships we faced together. She was by my side through thick and thin, and without her there at the time, I am not sure where I would be today.
Mom was full of laughter and love. My sense of humor 100% comes directly from her. She taught me how to be compassionate and loving to everyone, regardless of who they are as a person, or what they believe in. She taught me to be myself. One of her favorite sayings was "what you see is what you get". She never tried to fool anyone.
One of my favorite memories of my mom was my fifth birthday ; and also the earliest memory I can remember. She asked me what kind of birthday I wanted, and I had told her I wanted a pirate themed birthday. She had turned the whole backyard into the Mediterranean sea. She made a huge pirate ship out of cardboard that was probably 15 feet long. She had created a story plot to be performed that involved myself, all the kids at the party, and their parents. We had a "hail storm" where the parents threw ice cubes and goldfish at us and into the boat. It was truly a birthday I will never forget.
The past couple of days have been emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. I at times have felt beyond overwhelmed and stressed. I am thankful for the support of my friends, and especially my girlfriend Kate, and her family. I do not know where I would be without their unconditional love and support. I truly and honestly am thankful.
My moms passing is unfortunate and beyond tragic, however, I believe she is out of the pain she was in, and is in a better place. Be kind, and free of judgment to everyone. We are all human. We all live in this world together. You do not know what is truly going on inside of everyones head. I love you all. Thank you.
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7. |
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Our home is trashed
Your pictures scattered
Monthly bills cover
Our home feels like a wasteland
Barren and desolate
Your ashes stay above the fireplace
A constant reminder they carted you away and never let me see you
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8. |
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The lingering smell of vinegar and death
Fruit flies are everywhere ; no one bothered to clean the fridge for weeks
I can't escape
I can't sleep
I need help
I need out.
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9. |
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If I die, I blame Carl Updike. I love you Carl S(mith), I'm sorry and I wish you happiness. Girls go somewhere safe and be your best. If I have any money it goes to Carl S(mith). The jewelry goes to the girls, and anything Carl S(mith) wants he gets. Carl Updike verbally abusive. He told me to rot in hell, and I am just like his boss that he hates and all because he didn't want to be embarrassed by his tiny bikini. He told me I'm turning the girls away from him. He expects me to do for him, but he doesn't return. He blames me for everything and is never at fault. He gets nothing don't waste money just cremate me. I understand why James and Elena left him. Carl Updike has anger issues. Carl Updike has anger issues. Girls I want to move in with their Aunt Chrissy. I renewed vows in hopes things would get better but didn't. I'm tired of life. I don't want Karissa anywhere near my funeral. She is to blame too. I'm not good enough for anyone. I hope I die. I don't want life support. I hope Carl Updike gets what he deserves.
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10. |
No More Tears
02:57
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No more tears to cry
I just try to sleep through the night
You don't know how lonely I've become
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Carl Gene Baltimore, Maryland
"Smith is very open about using the music as a conduit for dealing with his depression, but the gentle nature of the music and the melody coming from Smith’s voice create a healing narrative that take the ugly and force it out of the shadows. Even on the darkest days there is sunshine after the rain." ... more
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